Taking back control from the fear
A number of weeks ago now I came into work and found a letter on my desk, a letter that threatened my life.
I don't tell you this for sympathy but to share my story. To share with you just one of my experiences of bullying, with fear and how it took control of my life.
Opening an envelope to find a picture of your face is such a surreal experience. I felt the fear take over my entire body almost instantly. I felt like I couldn’t move except for my hands shaking uncontrollably and after reading just the first line I was overwhelmed.
You really don’t consider all of the things that you take for granted at times like this and how powerful anxiety can be. Every time I walked into the office I felt an air of dread as I approached my desk. I held my breath every time my phone rang. I had a panic attack when someone asked me for directions. Every single person I saw became a suspect, always questioning why someone was looking at me or in my direction. What were they talking about? Have I met them before? I was too scared to use my social media channels and even considered deleting them.
And let me tell you, being scared all the time is exhausting. Quite literally, physically and mentally exhausting. Your brain is working over time to try to understand the situation but also starts to build that wall of anxiety and suspicion.
Bullying takes on any number of guises; it can be mean words, being left out and ignored, or a punch in the stomach, even a nasty letter. But any way you look at it, we are all left feeling the same way. Hurt, lonely, pain, broken. And all this pain changes the way we feel about ourselves; we begin to question who we are, our ability and doubt ourselves. Surely there must be something wrong with who we are?
What hurt me more than the nasty words in that letter was what those words would make people think about me. Will they think I’ve done something wrong? That I’m a bad person? That I deserved it? Every time someone asks me what did I do or who have I hurt, my heart breaks a little more. And those thoughts made it hard for me to talk about. I thought the fewer people that knew, the fewer would judge me.
But as you can probably imagine, this fear and anxiety made me pretty distracted and it was hard to do my job so my performance was noticeably worse. Again, I was worried about talking to people about my experience so it was difficult for me to explain why I was struggling or why I was forgetting things. And arguably, this was more damaging. By not telling people what was going on, I started to lose their trust and they began to doubt my ability.
There will always be that one person who asks an insensitive question or that one who innocently uses the wrong words but most people will be so unbelievably supportive. It took me completely by surprise to find that every time I talked about it, and I mean really talked about it and the way that it made me feel, I actually felt a little bit of pressure release.
Talking about how you feel isn’t a weakness. To me, it is a strength because it takes courage to ask for help and show when you are feeling low or vulnerable. And never be afraid to ask for help. We found ourselves worrying about what others will think but in the end, those that care for you will always support you through. In fact, through this awful experience I became closer to my brother and learnt that I can always count on him no matter what. And if you ever feel like there isn’t anyone to talk to, take a risk and try anyway. Someone may surprise you.
And you know what? It’s OK to cry too, it certainly made me feel better! That and hugging my dog.
It is also important to take action and I went to the police. I really may never know who sent the letter to me. Of course that is always a fear but I am glad regardless, that I took action as hard as it was for me.
This letter could always be something that follows me through life, just a memory in the back of mind resurfacing at any moment, paralysing me with fear all over again.
This person who tried to take control of my life may always be around and may always be a faceless figure, a ghost and that’s a scary thought. Especially to think that I let this bully take control.
Fear affects us all on a daily basis, not only in our personal lives but in our professionals ones too. We all face fears, fear of the unknown, uncertainty, fear of trying new things, fear of our demise, being irrelevant, fear of losing our jobs and being replaced by robots. If we don't take risks maybe we won't make mistakes and will be safe. But we have to face those fears for progress.
After receiving this letter I was scared to leave my house, to go to work, petrified that people may think that I'm a bad person and the anxiety was so close to immobilising me if I only let it. So what did I do? I forced myself to go to work the next day, I forced myself to get on the tube, I forced myself sit at that desk and try my best. And that’s all we can really ask of ourselves, to try our best. Not someone else’s version of best.
I could have turned down any number of opportunities out of fear and decided to hide myself away but only one person wins if I do that. And ultimately, I'd lose. I'm not willing to let the unknown scare me and stop me from becoming the person I want to be, failure aids us on our journey and every failure is a learning curve.
I am not a victim. Something terrible happened to me but it does not define me. I am a strong person, and even stronger now. I have the best family and friends, I have a home, an education and a fantastic job which I excel at, and I will always have bad days when I doubt myself. But I am proud of who I am.
@jm_shell